Parenting - a balancing act

Today morning, the second last day of November, was a cold and frosty morning. Dressed in warm clothing and supplemented by a warm cap, I went to drop my daughter to school. She did not want to wear any coat saying that she does not get cold in school. I tried to persuade her to carry a coat but despite my attempts she flatly declined to take anything with her.

And there lies a dilemma that I sometimes encounter. Where do I draw the line in parenting? I know she should dress warmly, and that prevention is better than cure. But if she does not want to do so, despite knowing the advantages and disadvantages, shouldn’t she have the final say for herself?

Parenting, I have realized, is a balancing act.

We need to try and ensure that we protect our child and take care of them. On the other hand we also need for them to be able to experiment with life, to face challenges and to grow from them. If we always impose our will on them, where is the scope for them to grow and learn?

When my daughter was about 10 months old, she attempted to walk. Wobbly and uncertain, she took little steps – and I was there constantly trying to move aside anything that may hurt her. I watched her walk, laughed as her little steps reached the destination. I watched – with my heart in my mouth - as she fell, time and again – and each time she would get up and try again. And she would eventually succeed.

And what joy there was for us all.

We cannot walk for our children but we try and create a safe environment for them to learn, for them to make mistakes and to fall till they succeed eventually.

It has been said that “It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings.”

And an important learning, for me, is that it is necessary for children to learn through their own experiences. Let them sometimes face some difficulties and challenges. Let us not always try and ascertain what is right and wrong for them. For it is through challenging experiences, that they most often learn the bigger lessons of life.

My little girl returned from school today. It was cold, she said. Henceforth she would wear her coat to school.

Sometimes they only just need to experience the cold themselves.

Making a difference

We live a brief span of time on this earth and during this time I am sure that we would like to meaningfully touch the lives of the people around us. We would each want to make a difference.

I used to think - I am only just one person, what can I do? When there are millions of people suffering around the world and thousands around us with little to eat or clothes to wear – what difference can I, as one individual, make?

Then I think about the quote by Helen Keller:

“I am only one
but still I am one
I cannot do everything
but still I can do something
I will not refuse to do
something I can do.”

We have the potential to make a difference in the lives of people around us. One of the biggest mistakes is to do nothing because you think you cannot make a difference. We can do big things or little things – sometimes even as little as a smile or a listening ear to a person in need. And while we cannot help everyone, we can help that one person – and our lives become more significant because of it.

I am also reminded of a beautiful story, I once read:-

A young man is walking along the ocean and sees a beach on which thousands and thousands of starfish have washed ashore. Further along he sees an old man, walking slowly and stooping often, picking up one starfish after another and tossing each one gently into the ocean.

“Why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?,” he asks.

“Because the sun is up and the tide is going out and if I don’t throw them further in they will die.”

“But, old man, don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it! You can’t possibly save them all, you can’t even save one-tenth of them. In fact, even if you work all day, your efforts won’t make any difference at all."

The old man listened calmly and then bent down to pick up another starfish and threw it into the sea. "It made a difference to that one."

 

I hope that you are as inspired by this story as I am and that you will think of it the next time you feel that you cannot do much. Because you can really make a difference – to this one starfish – or to this one person – and that is all that truly matters.

Change

A human life seems like a long time.

If one lives to a good old age which now seems to be in the 70 years, we are talking about 900 months or 27,000 days or 648,000 hours or so. That seems like a long time. And as we go through it day by day, it appears that it is going slowly.

However, the minutes are ticking and our life is quickly passing us by - though often we don’t realize it. We look forward to our birthdays and new year – with joy and anticipation. We don’t think that with every birthday and every new year, we are moving quickly to middle age and old age and towards the inevitable.

That is not to say that it is a bad thing.

With age comes knowledge and wisdom. With age comes scrapbooks and photo albums filled with a lifetime of memories. And hopefully they are good memories. Hopefully we can look back, during the last leg of our lives, and say that ‘I am happy, my life has been well lived.’

 

We don’t often see the changes that take place, some small and some big, but changes nevertheless. In living our lives we sometimes get caught up in the small things and often forget about the larger picture. We often take for granted those who matter to us, assuming that they will always be there. It is only when children leave the homes to spread their wings and fly or new babies are born or people die that we realize that change is happening.

And that is fine – because change is inevitable.

The important thing is for us to realize that change is happening all the time and that life really is impermanent. It is important for us to sometimes take stock of our values, our expectations, of the people we hold dear, of the choices we make daily – and to see how we want to go from there. It is necessary to look to each day and see how we can make it worthwhile so that at the very end, we can truly say that our life has been worthwhile.

It has been a happy and well lived life.

Lost and Found

In continuing my thought from the last post – I just realised that if we lose or find things in Thimphu, there really is no place where we can contact the other person and return the item. The police seems to be the most likely Lost of Found place of contact. But we all know that the Police have a lot of other work and challenges. And if we lose a key (not stolen), we would not really go to the police to find it. The only other option I see is an announcement in the BBS or Kuzu FM. But for a lost key or a small bag, that does seem quite a tedious and expensive way of making contact.

It may be an interesting idea to explore for our youth. Someone could set up a place (even a website – or phone number) so that if someone has lost something or found something they could call a specific number and get connected with the other person.

Just sharing my thoughts with some possible ideas for our young people to explore.

Would love to hear some of your ideas as well….

The good Samaritan

Are people inherent good or inherent bad? That is a debate that many people down the centuries have been engaged in. Much of people’s thoughts and ideologies have been shaped by their personal experiences in their day to day lives.

I am not here to engage in this debate. Sometimes I feel that people are inherently good, and then there are times when I do see the dark side of human beings, that I am inclined to believe otherwise.

Regardless, I recently had an experience which I thought to share. I had parked my car near the hospital. When stepping outside, in my hurry, I had dropped my car keys and left without noticing it. When eventually I found it missing, I searched everywhere for it – looking under the car, around the car and generally tracing and retracing my steps everywhere.

Eventually with the key nowhere in sight, I got my spare key and started driving home, feeling rather unhappy and disgruntled. I drove slowly, a lot of things weighing on my mind. Two minutes later as I swerved around a roundabout, I suddenly heard the sound of something falling on the roadside.

 

I couldn’t believe it but with hope in my heart, I quickly stepped out to take a look. There right in the middle of the road was my car key – smooth and shiny. I can tell you, the sight of the key filled me with such warmth and gladness.

I had looked all over, but never thought to look on top of the car. Some good Samaritan had found my key near the car, and not knowing where to keep it or to find me, he/she had kept it on the top thinking it a logical place for me to look.

How grateful I am to that good person, who saved me so much work in making a spare key and in also filling me with hope. There are good people there, who are kind and ready to help. And it is these people who make the world a joyful place to live in.

Resolutions

Resolutions are important ingredients to success. Without them to guide or drive you, one may sometimes become complacent, relaxed and not so inclined to see them though. Often, the thought that something needs to be done may just flit though your mind like a breeze rippling through the leaves. Without something to retain that thought, it may breeze through and leave without a trace – the thought forgotten, the task undone.

However, upon capturing that thought, if you note it in your mind and say, “I will do this by ‘so and so’ day’ and you resolve to have it done, more often than not you will get it done.

In the month of September, I had resolved to write a number of blog entries – and with this resolution in mind, I actually succeeded in writing 8 blog posts (lesser than I had aspired to do but more than I had ever done – so an achievement nevertheless). I made no such resolution in October and hence, with the number of other competing priorities in my life, I am sad to say that I have not written a single post.

Hence I realize the importance of resolution to guide our mind, to manage our time – until one day that it becomes a habit and one doesn’t need resolutions to see them through.

 

Resolutions are an important life skill for our children to learn as they get older. They should learn to make their own resolutions, initially starting with small and simple ones. This will teach them how to manage their mind and control their ‘will power’ and this in the long run is a critical element of success.

With children let it start small – doable things, nothing ambitious to start with. Let them relish their small successes and in time they can make it work for them so that they can achieve the heights that they want to reach. There is a quote by Ann Landers, “It is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings” – and learning to make and keep resolutions is an important life skill that all children need to learn to become happy and successful individuals.

Tangy, sweet and crisp

the taste of autumn
apples

As good as it gets

With the advent of every new year, I have the greatest of hopes – that life will get better and things will get easier. That relationships will become more meaningful and that I will be happier. Lots of hopes and aspirations – in the future.

But recently when I reflected on this, I realized that every year I am also growing older. Every year my parents are getting more frail. The children are growing up and will one day start their own lives – separate lives.

   And while that brings in hopes for more joy, there is also a feeling of sadness in that.

And who know where I will be tomorrow? What kind of things will come my way? Will I even be there to enjoy it?

I am forever looking to the future. Or at greener pastures. That I sometimes forget to really look at the present.

That maybe this is when my life is truly at its best. That things are the easiest. That my relationships are truly meaningful.

                                         Maybe this really is as good as it gets.

Communication and Relationship

It is not when you are fighting with each other that a relationship is at its worst. It is at its worst when people start to become indifferent to each other.

Because by that time you no longer want to put in the effort to make the relationship work.

By that time, you have given up.

You have stopped trying.

Good communication is the key to success. It is the important element that you need in order to live with others in a cooperative and understanding manner. As I have been told:

“Communication is the mother of relationship;
relationship is the mother of happiness
hence
communication is the mother of happiness.”

And yet, all around the world this is what you often see: People have stopped communicating with each other because it is not worth the effort.

In the land of GNH, it is important that we keep the communication going so that our relationships are strong and that we are happy.

Tolerance

The world today is rifted in strife. When one switches on the television or picks up the newspaper, one is always flooded with news about wars and calamities. Everywhere around the world - at all times, there is tension, there is conflict, and there is unhappiness.

One wonders why that is so. Ultimately, I think, it boils down to one thing.

Tolerance.

One simple word.  

One profound attitude.

Tolerance is the ability to accept or be patient with the beliefs, opinions or practices of others.

I believe that it is the lack of tolerance among most people that is the root of so much problems and tension in the world. When one believes that one is right and that one knows more and is better than the others – it often leads to intolerance for other people’s views and opinions. It does not leave space for people to be different, to be special each in their own way. It does not create a platform for people to co-exist in harmony.

In our personal relationships as well - if we cannot agree to disagree, if we cannot respect the views, thoughts and opinions of people around us, then there will be no true harmony.

Tolerance is a vital ingredient to every happy and healthy relationship. It is a core element of Buddhism – the willingness to allow others to hold different views from ourselves and to allow them to be different in their views and actions.

Tolerance is an important attitude that we each need to cultivate so that we can have happier relationships and live together harmonious in our one world.

The only thing certain about life is death ...

We go through life as though we will live forever, as though we are invincible. But the only thing that is certain about life is death. This is the truth for all people, no matter who they are and where they live.

And yet in our living, we rarely think about our own vulnerabilities or the fact that our last day, last moment, last breath may already be here.

We seldom take the time to appreciate the sunrise and acknowledge the joy of seeing another day. We do not think that this present moment that you are spending with your loved one, could in fact be the last one – here on this earth, and maybe forever.

We are often so caught up in our own lives, in our own problems and challenges, in our own belief systems and thought processes, in our own righteousness. We live our lives believing in our indestructability – or not even thinking about it at all. We rarely think of life as a gift – a blessing – and an opportunity to actually try and get out of the wheel of the samsara.

For those of us who have actually thought about death – I am sure that we would like to hope that when the time comes for us to pass, it will happen at a far off day, in a warm bed and surrounded by loved ones. We would like to believe that we are ready to go, that we have finished all our unfinished businesses. That we have lived a happy and satisfying life and we are ready for the ‘great move on’.

However, death can catch up with us at the most unexpected of times and places. It is not always the old who are the first to go. Accidents, natural calamities, health calamities such as heart attacks and strokes, boulders falling on people etc – are common occurrences and they do not differentiate between the young and the old. ‘Time and tide wait for no man’, so said Shakespeare – and many times it is also the young people who have to make the early exit.

And when it is time to go, you are alone. You cannot take the possessions you have accumulated over your lifespan. And despite the number of friends you may have made or the large extended family that you may have, when the time comes to walk across the realms – you have the make this journey by yourself.

And that is why I feel it is so important for everyone to occasionally reflect on life and on death. To try not take life for granted but rather to take stock of how you are living and to try and life in a way that you will have no regrets.

And for that you don’t need to make the dramatic changes – just try and live one day at a time  - be the best person that you can be - be good, be kind, be compassionate - so that every evening when you go to bed and you reflect on your day, you are satisfied with the way you have lived the day.

Cumulatively, these individual days will become a life well lived.

Two interesting landmarks between Samtse and Sibsoo

 Between Sibsoo and Samtse town, there are two landmarks that I found particularly interesting:

1. Some km away from Chengmari and nearer to Sibsoo, there is a lake barely 30 seconds walk above the main car road. It is not easily visible, so you will need to look out for a signboard above the road. With an area of 55.25 Ac - it is a nature conservation park under the Samtse Dzongkhag and overseen by DRED, Department of Forest and Park Services. During the dry months, the lake has very little water in it. When the monsoon sets in, the lake fills up with water. One can see the reflection of the trees on the murky green water. I was told that the  lake used to have lots of water in it in the past and was once a good water source for the tea gardens across the Indian border further below the road.

See the difference between Spring and after the rainy season:-

Lake in Spring 2014

Lake in September 2014

2. Halfway between Samtse and Sibsoo, there is an interesting gateway over the main road. It reminded me of the magnificent roads and bridges that once existed in different parts of the world during the Roman era. This particular gateway apparently used to be a water irrigation channel. The architecture is quite impressive and it would be interesting to see more of such innovations these days.

Irrigation Channel

"I wandered lonely as a cloud
that floats over vales and hills..."

were the words that came across my mind as I was driving towards Sibsoo from Samtse town. Emerald green were the terraced fields of rice and small were the houses with their open verandas. Dark green trees lined the sides of the gently winding road. The sky was clear and blue. Stray clouds  - soft white cotton puffs floating in the sky in isolation as though suspended in time and space.

And as I wandered lonely as a cloud over the hills and plains, I had the opportunity for some reflection on life. 

And it was liberating, it was joyful.

Surrounded by such beauty, I felt utmost blessed to be a born in this incredible nation of ours.

Life is a journey, not a destination

This is one advice my father often gives me. When I am rushing through life and trying to get everything done, he says life is a journey and not a destination. Try and enjoy the little moments – for it is ultimately these moments that we will remember and cherish.

Yesterday, some friends and I were on our way down to Phuentsholing from Thimphu and down the Chukha road, which I remember in my childhood calling the ‘snake road’ – due to the winding and never ending curves. Small waterfalls were flowing at the side of the road and further down the valley a number of mountains, greens of different shade, were rolling into each other, enveloped by soft white clouds.

We continued our journey, winding down the Thimphu-Phuentsholing highway through changing vegetation and passing by small landslides and fallen boulders. As we passed through Gedu the air became heavier and we were surrounded in mist. Thick shrouding mist – greyish white all around - we could barely see 10 feet ahead of us.

Just when I thought that our journey would be likewise gloomy all the way to Phuentsholing, we arrived at Jumja – the unstable stretch of land where landslides often obstructs the journey of many travellers. I have travelled on the highway many times, but it was my first time being awed by the magnificence and splendour of the scene.

The sky was serenely blue – stretching all the way across the plains where it seemed to shimmer and blend into the horizon. Below in the valley, a soft milk-white blanket of clouds covered the plains and puffed all the way into the distance. Blending with the blue, some clouds above were swirling and it was as though a whirlpool of white on a blue canvas.

I was above the clouds and I was below the clouds – I was in the clouds.



It was no longer important why I was going down to Phuentsholing. Or what I was leaving behind in Thimphu. It was just me and the wide expanse of the sky. Me and the embrace of the clouds. I felt free – simply enjoying the moment for what it was.

And in that moment I recalled the words of my father – that life is a journey and we must try and enjoy it to the fullest.

Sometimes it feels as though it is just you and the world. The weight of the universe feels as though it is on your shoulders and you feel overwhelmed. The ordinary day to day task of living feels like a gigantic task and you wonder why things are so difficult for you.

It is in these moments that it is important to take a step back, take a deep breath and try to put things into perspective. During these moments you need to look beyond yourself - at the stranger briskly walking down the street or the person sitting next to you concentrating on his work. Take a look at the old lady slowly going around the chorten or the small child with a big heavy bag on his back walking briskly to school. Take a look at the taxi driver with a grumpy look on his face or the fashionably dressed lady driving a big vehicle.

If you take the time to talk to any of these people, you will find that each of them are facing their own challenges and difficulties. While they also enjoy their share of joy and laughter, each of them have their own battles to fight and have their own hurdles to overcome.

So sometimes it is important to keep in mind that it is not only you who is struggling with life's challenges. Being human means that suffering exists. That is the first of the four noble truths. Suffering comes in different sizes and shapes. It comes in different magnitudes. But it does not make it any less real for anyone. So it is important to keep in mind that we must be kind to each other because we are each fighting our own battles.

gift of life

Clear, colorless, pure
Abundant and yet so precious
The gift of life - Water.

It really has been ages since I have last been on my blog. Time flies. So many things and so little time. Resolutions made and resolves left unfulfilled.

Anyway to take consolation from Lord Buddha's words 'Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.' So I shall not think of the past, nor the future but just for the present moment....